MALE/FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS
Joe, 52 years old, builder
Joe and his wife, Chris, came to my clinic. They both looked uncomfortable, Joe more so than Chris. I started the interview in my usual direct way.
'Joe, is your problem getting and sustaining an erection, or premature ejaculation?'
1 don't think that I've really got a problem', he answered. 'I can get it up if I want to, but I don't particularly feel like having sex these days.'
These days!', interjected Chris. 'We haven't had sex in six months or more. And when we have tried, all you're getting is a limp erection. I even agreed to have pornographic movies playing. I've tried everything under the sun with him. It's useless. Don't now start telling the doctor that you don't think that you've got a problem.'
'Chris', I said, 'I'd like to ask you a favour. And you're more than welcome to refuse. Would you mind if I spent five minutes with Joe alone? It may help our purposes as we may be able to gain a different perspective on the problem.'
'OK', said Chris, looking hurt by the request. If it's going to help the situation, I'll go out'
Once Chris had left the room, Joe visibly relaxed. 'Doc', he said, 1 love my wife. We've been together for 23 years now. We have three grown-up kids. I just don't find her attractive anymore. I don't care anymore whether we have sex or not. Doc, I've been to a brothel a couple of times in the last six months and I've had sex there. No problem at all. I just can't get excited enough with my wife to get it up.'
Andrew, 32 years old, mechanic
Andrew approaches me and asks me for a moment of my time. He found out about my work as a men's health physician through chatting with one of the other fellas.
'Perhaps you can help me', he begins, obviously feeling a little embarrassed. He's a strong bodybuilder and has an image at the gym of being quite a tough guy. I've got this beautiful girlfriend, I'm telling you, really beautiful', he says, 'and we've been seeing each other for two years now. The problem is, I don't find she turns me on in the bedroom any more. I've had a couple of affairs, just one night stands, you know, with much less attractive girls, in fact, quite ugly in comparison, and I'm more turned on by these girls than I am with my girlfriend. Is this abnormal?'
Billy, 45 years old, property developer
Billy been married to the same woman for 16 years. His problem is similar.
'You know, doc', he said to me, 'I've been using this injection treatment for my erections for two years now. I know I don't really have a bad problem.'
'Why's that?' I inquired.
'Well, I only need to use this treatment when I'm with my wife. When I'm with any other girl, I don't need it. My erection comes up strong without a problem.'
The above scenarios are very common. I have heard such stories at least once a day in my consulting rooms for the last six years. This bothers me in two ways: firstly, how common it is that a man loses physical attraction for his spouse, and secondly, how common infidelity is in the community.
THE CONSEQUENCES OF LOSING SEXUAL ATTRACTION TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER
Why is it that men lose sexual attraction towards their wives and what are the consequences? Is it inevitable and how are men to protect themselves from it?
Infidelity is a huge problem in most communities. The Janus Report on human sexuality, published in 1993, looked into this issue. A survey carried out on middle-income men showed that one in four reported a high rate of regular and ongoing extramarital sex. Regular and ongoing infidelity in women was eight per cent.
In other popular surveys, it has been shown that more than 50 per cent of female respondents had committed adultery. According to New York Woman magazine in 1989, one in every two wives surveyed had cheated on her husband. These were not scientifically verifiable surveys, but they may be closer to the truth than we like to believe. The Janus Report was a more strictly controlled study. It also showed that 'more than one-third of men and more than one-quarter of women admit having had at least one extramarital sexual experience/
'But extramarital affairs account for fewer than one-quarter of all divorces', according to the report. However, 'divorced men cite sexual problems in the relationship as the primary reason for the break up three times more frequently than women', while 'women cite extramarital affairs as the cause of the divorce twice as frequently as men/
The other interesting facts that came out of this report are those related to very religious people of various denominations. The Janus Report maintains that a third of all 'very religious' respondents, and 26 per cent of all 'religious' respondents reported having had extramarital affairs 'at least once', with 14 per cent of the 'very religious' admitting to 'often and ongoing' extramarital affairs. This obviously shows that none of us is immune to the risk of infidelity.
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