MALE/FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS

HOW DO WE BECOME ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE?

When people meet their spouse to be, they often describe a certain 'chemistry'. No actual 'chemistry' has yet been found to exist. Perhaps it is caused by a release of endorphins that match those of the partner, or perhaps it is caused by pheromones that attract us to each other. So what is the cause? Could it be what the adverts say—deodorants, aftershave, hair spray?
From talking extensively with men who come to my clinic with an erection problem and with a resultant relationship problem, I have found that the three most common reasons for their initial attraction to their current or past partners are:
•          timing
•          physical attraction
•          personality attraction.

Timing
It appears that in the majority of cases, timing has a lot to do with the start of a new relationship. It may be that you have recently separated from a partner, you are going through some hard times at work, or even going through some hard times at home with your present partner. You need a good relationship to ease the burden of pain from a previous relationship break up or to relieve the pressures and stress from work. If someone happens to come along at this time and they are decent and available, you are likely to see more in this person as a potential partner than if you were not in any predicament.
It may be that you have finally been able to complete your life goal and achieve your intended status. You are now ready to settle down and make an effort at raising a family. Past relationship opportunities have been missed as they would have interfered with other goals. Perhaps your regret is that you did not take the opportunity when it was available and now you are searching for someone who is similar to the person you once spurned.
The clock is ticking. It has been three years since your last school friend was married. You had a wager on who could outlast the other and stay single the longest. He lost the bet, but three years on, you feel as if you've lost out. You feel pressured from your parents, your friends, yourself and perhaps your girlfriends as well.
Finally, financial timing is an issue. Your goals in life require a huge cash injection from an outside source. Money is just what would ease the situation at this point in time. What seemed an easy long-term project, being married to an incompatible partner for the sake of the potential financial gain, often proves to be more difficult than foreseen.

Physical attraction
The second most common reason for starting a new relationship is physical attraction as in 'love at first sight', 'I couldn't keep my eyes off her', or 'I used to dream about her every night'. I think what is closer to reality is 'love is blind', or more correctly, 'love makes you blind'.
All men understand how easy it would be to fall in love with the appearance of a truly attractive woman. However, it is remarkable how someone's physical appearance can appear so different, depending on your situation, and
depending on the 'timing'. If you have not had the good fortune to have sex for some time, there is a much stronger desire to have it now. If you meet someone when you are feeling sexually deprived, the image that you have in your mind of her naked beside you is an attractive one. However, she may not appear as attractive once you have released your pent up frustrations.
What about when influenced by alcohol? Doesn't every woman in the pub take on a new level of attraction? When you wake up and you are a little more sober, you often don't find the situation as attractive as you did the night before.
How about comparing your taste in women before and after you are married? Before you are placed in the fairly restrictive environment of matrimony, you may be constantly seeking out the most attractive woman as your potential partner. Once you marry and you are limited to one partner forever, other less attractive women take on a new look. I remember seeing a cartoon where an average looking secretary is gaining a lot of attention from a number of the male staff in her office. The comment by the receptionist is: 'It's funny how much more attentive these guys have become ... since they got married.'

Personality attraction
The third most common reason for a new relationship is personality attraction. Remember, 'different strokes for different folks'. What I have found was that men who formed their relationships based on personality attraction were doing better in these relationships by the time they came to the clinic. Unfortunately, they are in the minority.
Franko, 38 years old, lawyer and Shireen, 35 years old, public relations officer
Franko and Shireen have been married for eight years. While I was talking to Shireen, she brought up a very interesting issue. Shireen has a magnetic personality and is very attractive. She is independent in that she is a qualified professional and she is successful at what she is doing. Franko is Shireen's second husband. She divorced her first husband four years before this marriage.
Franko has a very demanding and domineering personality and Shireen works hard, constantly trying to please him. However, Franko shows little gratitude and puts a lot of work and responsibility on her shoulders. I asked Shireen about this, just inquiring whether all was well between the two of them.
'You know what/ she said to me, 'before I married Franko, I dated a lot of men. I was in one relationship for two years. This guy was what I imagined through my youth to be my ideal guy. He was good looking and athletic. He was a professional and was making oodles of money. And what a nice guy. He worshipped the ground I walked on.'
'So what happened?' I asked, expecting her to tell me he dropped her for another woman.
'I got bored with him. He was too nice. He was too perfect. I needed to be with someone that kept my interest up. Franko is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We've been married for eight years now, and he treats me now the way he treated me when we first met. He expects me to work hard and contribute to the household. I think I worked harder through my pregnancies than at any other time. He is hard but fair. He doesn't show it, but I know he cares deeply. He rarely buys me gifts and when he does he hands them to me like he's giving the dog a bone. When I dress up he never tells me I look great but when he doesn't like what I'm wearing, he will be quick to tell me. He doesn't compliment my cooking, but if there is no complaint, I know for sure that it was a great meal/
If there were a textbook that could give you the right formula for a successful relationship, it would stay on the best seller list forever. If there were a pearl of wisdom that worked for everyone in every relationship, it would become the eleventh commandment. The best we can do is learn from our own mistakes and learn from the experience of others and hope that we can maintain a healthy relationship that lasts.
The contact that I have had with over 10000 men with seal difficulties, and five per cent of those with their partners, may shed some light on the question of how to maintain a healthy relationship. The experiences of these men in their present relationship and their past, unsuccessful relationships, may have some similarity to your own. Reading about these experiences may help you improve your own situation.
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