HEALTHY FAMILY REACTIONS TO ILLNESS: ALLOWING HONEST REACTIONS
Because of their healthy flexibility, families that cope positively with illness are able to tolerate a wide range of honest reactions from one another. Family members express a true and caring interest in how this illness and all its stresses are affecting other members. They ask one another questions, and they respond nurturingly to the answers, even if they do not have solutions.
When having such honest discussions, healthy families follow three basic rules of communication:
- They use "I" statements in expressing feelings ("I feel safer when you take your blood pressure medicine regularly").
- They avoid making blaming statements or accusing each other ("You're driving me crazy by not taking your medicine regularly").
- They listen and let the speaker know what they have heard without reacting defensively.
Rule 3 can be called nondefensive listening. In the following example, Steven listens nondefensively to Alice's concerns, which allows Alice to respond nondefensively to Steven:
ALICE: I'm tired of monitoring what you eat. I worry about your diet, and I want you to take more responsibility for eating better. Sometimes I think I'm working harder at this than you are, and I end up feeling mad at you.
STEVEN: So you're feeling sort of tired and angry about keeping track of me?
ALICE: Yes, I am. It's a hard job.
STEVEN: I can hear your frustration, and I understand that this must get tiring. I know this is hard on you.
ALICE: Yes, it is.
STEVEN: I appreciate everything you do for me, and I don't mean to make you angry. I know you can't eat for me, and that it's my responsibility. I just have a hard time with this diet business.
ALICE: I feel for you. I know that all this change isn't easy. I just want you to know that I love you and that I'm concerned for you.
STEVEN: I do know that. And I love you.
Of course, such conversations do not always go this smoothly in real life. However, equipped with good communication tools and permission from family members to be open and honest, healthy families are able to resolve conflicts—even when family members strongly disagree. The key is that such families do not shame one another for any reason. They supportively allow one another to ventilate their feelings without trying to send the speaker on a guilt trip in return. They say out loud such things as the following:
"I'm sick and tired of all these trips to the doctor!"
"I know this has been hard on you, but I'm worn out, too."
"I couldn't sleep last night; I was afraid you might die."
"Sometimes I hold back telling you what's on my mind because I feel like I've already put you through too much agony."
When allowed such freedom to be open, people tend to be more honest and caring in dealing with each other. As they go through the process of rehabilitation, a man and a woman in a healthy relationship are especially likely to begin keeping tabs on each other's inner reactions. If you could secretly tape-record the private conversations of a healthy couple who are adjusting to illness, you might hear questions like the following being asked:
"Do you feel I understand you, in general?"
"Do you think I understand your feelings about?"
"Do I respond to your feelings when you ask for support, or do I give you advice that sounds like an unsupportive lecture instead?"
"When I'm upset about something, am I clear in expressing to you what is on my mind, or do I simply act upset without being clear about what's bothering me?"
"When I'm upset, do I act like I blame you for my feelings?"
"When we disagree, do you feel that I deal with you fairly?"
"Are you worrying about things that you aren't talking with me about?"
"What are our kids saying to you about all this?"
"Does my surgery scar look disgusting to you?"
"Do I seem different to you since my surgery?"
No couple communicates perfectly, especially during emotional times. In healthy families, mistakes in communication are followed by apologies and by effective change in the communication process. By allowing one another the freedom to be honest in your family discussions, you can continue to grow together during this important time of changing relationships.
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