FAMILY TEAMS: THE CIRCULAR FAMILY DANCE

Have you ever asked yourself why we experience the same old problems in relating to each other, year after year? Or why in the world we do not come to some new answers to these problems that keep plaguing us? Why do couples keep having the same old nonproductive fights about sex, money, in-laws, children, or whatever?
Unfortunately, we tend to get stuck in vicious circles of interaction in close relationships. The more we try to solve a problem by using a certain strategy, the worse the problem gets. The worse the problem gets, the harder we try the same old strategy. When this happens, our attempts to solve anticipated problems in relationships often do nothing hut fuel the feared problem.
The Hinson family from chapter 1 beautifully demonstrates this point. Out of fear that Henry would be depressed, Maria and their son, John, began to run interference for Henry. As a result, Henry began to feel left out of the family, and he became depressed. The more depressed Henry acted, the more Maria and John ran interference. The more interference, the more depression; and so on.
The higher your stress level, the more likely you are to get stuck in a self-perpetuating mess rather than try a new strategy. When you are faced with stress, you automatically reach for ways of coping that feel natural. You tend to use your familiar coping strategies harder and harder, regardless of whether the strategies are working to help you get what you want.
An obviously healthier choice would be to pay attention to the outcome that is resulting from your attempts to influence each other. If you are not getting the reactions you want, try this revolutionary idea: Do something different!
Once Henry and Maria began talking directly to each other about their shared concerns over what was happening in their marriage and family, Henry's depression lifted. Maria correspondingly began to back off from running interference. Her stress levels lessened, and the burdens placed on her son as the family savior lightened as Henry became reinvolved in his life. The key to this positive change in the Hinson family was their willingness to confront their circular patterns and to try something different.
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